NPC TESTING.

[accumbens]

[Yeah, so. This whole forcing the all the programmers from around the continent to come to this conference thing was such a waste of time. At least that's what Seamus was thinking. He honestly wanted to punch the asshole that thought of this in the face. He had far more important things to be doing than listening to all this stupid chatter. Like, you know. Building imprints and running the chair.

But no, here he was, writing out complex equations on his napkin and solving them out of boredom. This couldn't be over fast enough.]

Comments

[accumbens]

[Except for the part where they....probably won't.

Seamus keeps his cool, though, and just turns the sarcasm dial up to eleven.]

Yeah, it is. Right under the big ass blinking sign with an arrow that says "Hey, look! There's a super secret, more than a little illegal brothel right here! Come get the designer hooker of your dreams today!"

[Then the forced grin fades into a scowl.]

For some reason, I thought Rossum's golden child would be a little smarter, didn't you, Toronto? [Sure, he now knows her name is Asha but Topher got her city wrong so Seamus has to point that out.]

The New York house is hidden under Manhattan, just like I'm sure the rest of them are.

[amygdaloid]

It would seem that way.

[And then, a fake smile of her own.]

And those mounties, they're just doing swell, they've all got their own brand new moose, eh?

[She folds her arms.]

Get real, Los Angeles.

[andblockbuster]

[Some people would be discouraged by that. Topher just grins in a way that can't be described as anything but BITCHY and goes right to it.]

You guys got gipped out of the top level. Really? So what? You make the clients go underground like mole people, and we're the only house who got the hi-rise? Sucks to be Manhattan.

[And to Asha, he's just cheeky.]

And you say Toronto, I say Ontario- does Canada even have defining landmarks?

[accumbens]

Wow, I feel like I'm losing my intelligence just listening to you. Since I apparently have to explain everything to you like you're a frickin' five year old, let's go.

[And this is equally bitchy. Also spoken slowly and in a slight baby voice like one would actually talk to a little kid.]

There's this really tall building. It's called a skyscraper. It has this orange and red swirly logo on the side with the words "Rossum Corporation" next to it. Under that building, we keep the Actives so it's off the grid, hidden away so meddling kids can't find our super secret brothel. Clients never see down there, no. They meet with people upstairs. Like, the seventieth floor upstairs. Which, if I remember right, is taller than your building in LA.

[And then once he's said that to Asha, Seamus rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath.]

Fucking dumbass.

[amygdaloid]

[Equally muttered:]

Fucking dumbass is an understatement.

[And louder now, edgy in the extreme.]

Not that you'll be receptive to a geography lesson, Los Angeles, but technically speaking Toronto is in Ontario. They're not interchangeable. And I don't expect self-centered Americans to remember our obviously less exciting landmarks.

[andblockbuster]

You both just keep talking and all I'm hearing is "wow, is it pedantic in here or is it just me?" [Leaning forwards] Do I get a reward for being the least the uptight programmer?

[accumbens]

No. You get a reward for being the biggest douchebag. Congrats.

[amygdaloid]

There really should be a plaque. At least a ribbon.

[andblockbuster]

Yeah, and I'd like to thank the Academy and Rossum for making this moment possible.

[accumbens]

[Seamus flips one of his napkins over and writes out "Biggest Douchebag Award" and then under it "Los Angeles" Then he hands it over to Topher with a smile.]

Now why don't you go back to the kid's table and let the grown-ups have a conversation.

[amygdaloid]

[Oh, wow. Asha's not even trying to hide the fact that she's giggling. Because she gives no fucks.

Nodding at Topher, she waves him away, or anyway she tries to.]

Shoo, then.

[No fucks at all.]

[andblockbuster]

[N O P E. No, actually, he does get up for a second, like yeah, fine, screw you guys, but nope. He's back.]

In all seriousness, despite how much I love the verbal parrying between geniuses, I am actually curious what your take is on all this? [He waves a hand around.] You don't really put this many nerds together unless you want it to be a complete warzone or have something really shiny to distract them with.

[accumbens]

[So close. So very close to getting rid of him.]

I think this is a pretty pointless waste of all our time, to be honest. I'd rather be back home taking care of the house. I've been bored out of my mind.

[amygdaloid]

[Sigh. Maybe soon.]

I'm pretty sure they could have thought of better ways to keep us occupied, yeah.

[andblockbuster]

Unless it's an elaborate experiment to bore us to death. ...Is productivity down or something? 'Cause this is reeking of punishment.

[accumbens]

Forcing everyone to spend any length of time in the same room as you?

Oh yeah, that's punishment.

Or maybe they just want to shove Halverson's new tech down our throats again. Which is equally torturous.

[amygdaloid]

[Elaborate eye rolling.]

Isn't it, though? It's like, instead of boosting morale it just makes the rest of us feel like shit.

[andblockbuster]

[SORRY. TOPHER HEARD THAT NAME.] Is Halverson actually here, you think?

[accumbens]

No idea. Everyone knows Halverson is a total recluse.

[amygdaloid]

My bet? We're not worth the time or effort. We're just the common people.

[andblockbuster]

Or maybe she's just shy... Maybe... he's just shy?

[For half a second, he looks to the two of them for confirmation and then realizes... He's talking to OTHER PROGRAMMERS. And there are no answers there. Just hate.]

[accumbens]

[Ohoho. This is interesting. Topher seems to have not gotten the memo that Halverson is a chick. Well...

Seamus leans over to Asha to whisper and conspire with her.]

He thinks Halverson is a dude. Shall we play along?

[amygdaloid]

[She, of course, is trying not to grin.]

But of course.

[Then, louder:]

I'm pretty sure plenty of us here are shy, and I don't see that stopping anyone else.

[accumbens]

Doesn't really matter though. I like the guy on principle. Anyone who can get you to shut up about yourself for five minutes is a saint in my book.

[andblockbuster]

...So Halverson is a dude? [Wait no. That was a blow to his ego. Excuse you.] Halverson's in another league from the rest of us. We but pale in comparison. I'm Warhol, he's Da Vinci, and the rest of you are performance artists.

[accumbens]

So Warhol was an idiot. Good to know.

Asha, would you like to do the honors of punching him in the face or should I?

[amygdaloid]

Oh, please, may I?

[Like a little kid on their birthday. Because this would totally be a present.]